ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few weeks together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nighty.

SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG - a man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, bee lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

A few days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.

A cop pulled a guy over one night and said, “Sir, I need you to blow into this Breathalyzer.”

“I can’t do that,” he said. “I’m an asthmatic and it’ll give me an asthma attack.”

“Okay, then you need to come down to the station and have some blood drawn.”

“Nah, I can’t do that either; I’m a hemophiliac and I’d bleed to death.”

“Then I need a urine sample.”

“Well, I’m a diabetic, so my sugar would get really low and that’s dangerous.”

“Okay — then you need to step out of the car and walk down this white line.”

“I can’t do that either,” the man said.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

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Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don’t have a fucking clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She’s a fucking power-crazy bitch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead Of: Fuck off asswipe!

5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well fuck me backwards with a telephone pole

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with…
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a fuck.

7. Try Saying: I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my fucking problem, asshole.

8. Try Saying: That’s interesting.
Instead Of: What the fuck?

9. Try Saying: I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: Not a fucking chance in hell.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He’s got his head up his fucking ass

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Hey, fuckface.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs fucking holidays anyway

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?” she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There is three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds really, “Why don’t you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!”

The teacher gave the class an assignment. Everyone must think of which part of their body is closest to God. They are to go home and think about it and come in the next day with their thoughts.

The next day the teacher asked the class what they thought - Little Johnny is jumping out of his chair Oooo! Oooo! Oooo! - I know!!! I know!!!

The teacher wanted to hear from someone else so little Sally raised her hand and said:

S - your head
T - Why is that Sally?
S - Because it is the highest part of your body
T - Good answer Sally - anyone else???

Little Johnny - I know I know !!!!!!

Not yet Johnny give someone else a try!

Little Becky replied:

B - your heart
T - Why Becky
B - Because you love with your heart and we love God.
T - Good answer Becky

Little Johnny is still jumping from his chair raising his hand!!!

Ok Johnny what part of the body do you think is closer to God??

J - your feet
T - Why your feet?
J - because last night my mom had her feet in the air and she was yelling “Oh God - Oh God I’m coming!!”

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich,

‘What’s yours?’

‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order , ‘That will be
$9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A
hamburger, fries and a coke.’

The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the
waitress.

‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,’ says the man.

‘Same,’ says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?’

‘Well,’ says the man, ’several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for
as
long as you live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,’ says the man.

The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’

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The TV commercial might go a little something like this:

“Alcohol is not safe for everyone. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery when using Alcohol. Alcohol causes overconfidence leading to embarrassing social situations, flushed facial skin, short attention span, sleepiness, amnesia, partial and/or total loss of judgment, blurred vision, unwanted pregnancies due to loss of judgment or blurred vision, difficulty walking, difficulty maintaining proper speech volume, broken beer glasses, broken glasses, broken furniture, broken windows and broken hearts, insane hangovers, cuts on your skin you can’t explain, vomiting, inability to find the toilet or other proper location just prior to vomiting, gain and/or loss of a significant other, temporary loss of bladder function, permanent loss of your job, coma and death.  Millions of deaths have been attributed to the use of Alcohol. Talk to your bartender to see if Alcohol is right for you.”

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog “Dog.” 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.” 34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write “X - BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.” 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about “psychological profiles.”
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

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