The Chinese are considering barring the Russian national team from competing in the Summer Olympics, after it was revealed that the Russians had registered 280,000 marksmen for the shooting events!

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The blonde had a puzzled look on her face and kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after she continued staring at his pockets he said to her, ‘It’s golf balls’.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, pondering what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’

A Boston fan, a Yankees fan and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train.

The train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark.

There’s a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train comes out of the tunnel, Pamela Anderson and the Yankees fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Boston fan is holding his slapped face.

The Boston fan is thinking, “That Yankees fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead.”

Pamela is thinking, “That Boston fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Yankees fan, and got slapped for it.”

And the Yankees fan is thinking, “This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that Boston fan again.”

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said:

“Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”

One day, on 9/9/99, a man woke up at 9:09 a.m. in the morning, jumped on Bus #99 and went to his favorite restaurant on 9th Street. When the cashier rang up his order, it totaled $9.99.

“Oh, wow, this is an omen!” the man said, so he bought a pair of cheap binoculars at the 99¢ store, pulled out 99 cents in fares and took Bus #99 to the Race Track. As he approached Gate No. 9, he said to the ticket agent: “I would like to bet $999.99 on Horse No. 9 in the 9th race.”

“Why those particular numbers?” the ticket agent asked.

“Nine seems to be my lucky number today,” the man said excitedly. “I’m really on a roll!”

Feeling confident, he sat through the first eight races until Race No. 9 came up. Sure enough, he was on a roll.

The horse came in ninth.

A gentleman golfing by himself one day hits a hole in one. As he’s pulling the flag and retrieving his ball, a genie appears in a puff of smoke rising from the cup.

“For your incredible shot, I will grant you three wishes,” the genie said.

“But, there’s a catch,” the genie quickly added. “Anything you wish for, your wife will receive 100 times over.”

“Oh, well…OK,” the golfer said, after thinking for a few moments. “First, I’d like to have a billion dollars.”

“Done,” said the genie. “But your wife will have $100 billion.”

“Fair enough,” the golfer said. “Second, I’d like to be the world’s best golfer”

“Done,” said the genie. “But you will never beat your wife’s scores.”

“No worries,” said the golfer.

“Last, I’d like to have a mild heart attack.”

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, “What in the world was that?”

He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”

She thinks to herself, “I’m gonna fix him.” Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, “What was that?”

She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”

Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.” He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”

He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”

Pat is appearing on the television quiz show ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire’. He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend.

“You’ve done really well to get this far Pat” the quizmaster says, “the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?”

“Sure” Pat nods.

“On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby.” the quizmaster continues, “The question is Pat, and don’t forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?”

Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says “I’m pretty sure it’s Ruud Van Nistelroy… No, I’m sure it is… Can I phone a friend just to check?”

“OK” the quizmaster asks, “Who are going to phone?”

Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.

Without any hesitation Mick replies “No, that’s definately Paul Scholes ”

Pat looks concerned now “Are you sure Mick, I’m convinced that it’s Ruud Van Nistelroy?”

“Definately” Mick replies.

“Well” the quizmaster continues, “You’ve used your lifeline, now I need your answer”

“OK” says Pat, looking nervous now, “But I’m sure it’s Ruud Van Nistelroy, that’s my final answer… Ruud Van Nistelroy.”

“You had £64,000 Pat, If you’re right you win £125,000, if you’re wrong you leave us with the money you’ve got so far…” There’s a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again

“Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you’ve been a great contestant and you’ve won £64,000. Here’s your cheque and thanks for playing.”

As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, “What was the correct answer, it’s killing me!”

The quizmaster replies, “Louis Saha.”

A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.

“Well, Johnny” says the Judge, “Would you like to live with your Mother?”

“No” replied Johnny, “she hits me all the time”

“Well then,” the Judge continues, “Would you like to live your your Father?”

“No” replied Johnny again, “He hits me all the time too!”

The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy “Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?”

“I’d like to live with Watford Football Club” the boy replied quickly.

“Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?” replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.

“Well” replied Johnny, “They never beat anyone”

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies’ tee box and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.The coroner calls him in and says, “She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can’t understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?”

“Oh,” he replies, “that must have been my mulligan.”