Its official guys, you continue to make these mistakes time and time again…..will you ever learn?! Its ok, we are on hand to inform you of your weaknesses so that you can prevent them from ever happening again- thus becoming the perfect lover!
1.No matter how skinny we are, NEVER feel our back-fat whilst making love
2.Do NOT lean on our hair
3.Be careful with the nipples Read the rest of this entry »
PLEASE HEED THIS WARNING
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.
While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.
They are very good at this.
They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.
I wasn’t able to find them on Sunday
Bob: “My doctor says if I don’t give up sex, I’ll be dead in a week.”
Bill: “Why is that?”
Bob: “I’m having an affair with his wife.”
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,wondering what explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!”
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”
“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do
it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”
He heard, “This is the police. What the hell are you doing?”
The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”
The cop says, “Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it’s about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs…
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can’t Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.
A woman had 6 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she sid:
- Kevin.
- Right - he said - what about that blond one over there?
- Kevin, she said.
- Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?
- Kevin, she said.
- Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?
- Kevin, she said.
- Are all your boys called Kevin? - he asked - isn’t that terribly complicated?
- Not at all - she said - it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it’s time for bed!, they all go to bed.
- I see. But what if you want only one of them?
- No problem - she answers - Then I call them by their surnames.
Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick…
Particularly when you weren’t wearing one when you started.
A man asks a girl if she’ll sleep with him for a million dollars and she accepts. He then offers her 20 dollars:
“What kind of girl do you think I am?” asks the outraged lady.
“We’ve already established that,” responds the man, “now we’re just negotiating the price.”
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
‘I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you,’ says the cabbie.
‘My son, you cannot offend me,’ says the Nun. ‘When you’re as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’
‘Well,’ said the cabbie, ‘I’ve always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.’
‘Well, lets see what we can do about that,’ the Nun replies. ‘First,
you have to be single and, second, you must be Catholic.’
The cabbie is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’
‘Okay,’ says the Nun. ‘Pull into the next alley.’
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a passonate kiss but, when they get back on the road, the cabbie starts crying.
‘
My dear child,’ says the Nun, ‘why are you crying?’
‘Forgive me, Sister, for I have sinned,’ says the cabbie. ‘I lied, and
I must confess that I’m married and I’m a Methodist.’
That’s okay,’ says the Nun. ‘My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.’
Misogynist Q & As
Why don’t women wear watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
She starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”
What do you show to a woman who has been driving accident-free for 10 years?
Second gear.
What’s worse than violent, woman-beating, sexist men?
Disobedient women.
Why did God give men penises?
So we’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What if God’s a woman?
Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why.
Why do only 15% of women go to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Why do women shave under their arms?
So they can iron faster.
Misandrist Q & As
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
One thing that always amazes me is people who don’t believe in sex before marriage when clearly it’s sex after marriage which doesn’t exist.
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. “If I gave you $1,500 minus 3%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, “This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door? “The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his “garage door.”
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, “When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?”
She smiled and said, “No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.”
A Mother was arguing with her teenage daughter when she finally reaches breaking point and blurts out, “I should have swallowed you when I had the chance!”
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9……
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss - that’s just my pay check in my pocket.”
“Oh really,” she spat. “Then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour!”
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
I was chatting with an ex-girlfriend the other day. I said ” I have to confess, I was having sex with Mandy last night and all I did was think about you”
“Really, do you miss me that much?” she asked
“No, it stops me from coming too quickly” I replied
