I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.

“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.”

Matt replies, “And we weren’t?”

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!

COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!

HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL — The Big Red Tape!!!

DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what’s your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!

M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn’t involve math? That’s right, math! Math math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!!

BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven’t figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don’t know your ass from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of ‘da weed’ with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!!

SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn’t selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”

The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

During the weeks before Amy’s wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.

“All you have to remember,” he said, “is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN… then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can’t go wrong.”

The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.

When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, “Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn.” Or, as it sounded to him, “I’ll alter him!”

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1958: Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2008: School goes into lock down, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008: Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1958: Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008: Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008: Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad
goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1958: Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2008: Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1958: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008: Pedro’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1958: Ants die.
2008: Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1958: Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2008: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”. (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as “your excellency”.
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become agitated when the professor can’t understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5″ at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You’re not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that “Bachelor” is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don’t raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.