The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ”Oh, shit!”

In Texas 94% said: ”Hold my beer. Watch this.”

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had

all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that

special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far

side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim
Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out
of the boat …. and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to
pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
‘Grandma,’ he asked, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross
the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?’

Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, your father,

your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January,

when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass’.

Two redneck farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.” They both think that’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Jim says. “What’s that?”

The Dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“Yes, I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for: Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”

Jim says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?”

“No.”

“Then you’re gay.”

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’

Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’

The young man answered,
‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’

Ah’d Lak Ta Be Prezzident

A redneck calls the White House and says to the receptionist, “Ah’d lak ta be the next Prezzident of this hear Uuuunated States.”

The receptionist, sarcastically asks, “What are you, an idiot?”

To which the redneck replies, “Why, is it required?”

Billy Bob ordered a small pizza at the restaurant. The waiter asked him if he would like it cut into four pieces or six. He thought for a moment and said, “Just cut it into four pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat six pieces”.

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
“Hello?”
“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Kisses with Fill-Up.”

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7…. sorry, no kisses this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free kisses.”

Bubba replied, ” No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.

Bubba and Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?”

“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”

“Sure is, Bubba.”

“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“Yep.”

“And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn’t read?”

“That’s right,” said the lawyer.”

“But why are you asking?”

“Well, I was thinkin . . ..

What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I’d been waking up with?”

There is a Redneck Cop sleeping in his cruiser one night.

All of a sudden he is awakened by a loud crash.

The cop gets out of his car and walks up the road a piece when he notices a car in the ditch.

“Damn” he says, “There’s a car in the ditch!”

He takes out his notebook and writes “car in D-I-T-C-H” for his report.

He walk up the road a bit further and notices another car in the ditch.

So he writes “another car in ditch….D-I-T-C-H” for his report.

The cop decides to head back to his car to make the report when he notices a head in the middle of the boulevard.

“Damn, somebody’s head’s in the middle of the boulevard!”

He gets out his notebook again and begins writing “head in middle of”

Then he thinks, boulevard? “B-O…” no, no “B-U…”

“Aww hell” he says and he kicks the head into the ditch

“D-I-T-C-H”

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl’.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The people on Jerry Springer’s show remind you of your neighbors.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.

This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, “Oh, Shit”.

Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
“Hold my beer and watch this!”

Bubba’s pregnant sister from Arkansas was in a terrible car accident.

She falls into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she wakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am, you had twins - a boy and a girl.

Amazed, she replies’Twins! Wow! How are they doctor?’

‘The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.’

The woman thinks to herself, ‘Oh, Lord, no! Not Bubba; he’s a certifiable Redneck idiot!’

Expecting the worst, she cringes and asks the doctor, ‘Well, what’s the girl’s name?’

‘Denise,’ the doctor answers.

The new mother says, ‘Wow! That’s a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.’

Then she asks the doctor, ‘What’s the boy’s name?’

The doctor replies, ‘Denephew.’

Guns don’t kill people. Dumb-ass, shit-for-brains, rednecks with no jobs kill people.