A little boy goes to his dad and asks. “what is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the head of the family, so call me the President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And, your baby brother, we can call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.” So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans…

Not really knowing what a McCain fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different…again.

Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not a McCain fan. The teacher said, ‘Why aren’t you a McCain fan?’

Johnny said, Because I’m a Democrat.’ The teacher asked why he’s a Democrat. Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mom’s a Democrat and my Dad’s Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.’

The teacher asks, ‘If your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, ‘That would make me a McCain fan.’

An old country doctor was sewing up a wound on a farmer’s hand when the conversation turned to politics.

The doctor asked the farmer, “Well, what do you think about the job Bush has done as President?”

The farmer said, “His daddy did alright, I guess, but George W has been purty much a post turtle.”

“What’s a post turtle?” asked the doctor.

The farmer said, “When yer drivin’ down the road and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top of it? That’s a post turtle. Ya know he couldn’t have got up there by hisself, he don’t belong there, he cain’t get nothin’ done while he’s up there, and ya just wanna help take the poor thang down.”

George H.W. Bush was in his front yard mowing his grass when little George W. came out of the house and rushed straight to the mailbox.

W opened it, looked in, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

As the elder Bush was getting ready to edge the lawn, looking his son, little W. came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back, and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by his son’s actions, George (senior) asked him, “Is something wrong?”

To which he replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”

1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America…..do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning bloodsucking creatures’.

10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: “Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”

“A penis,” replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer… and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, “Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!’”

Man, airlines are really getting slammed these days with oil prices. Like, the other day my buddy was on a trip on a budget airline.

The flight attendant asked, “Would you like dinner?”

He asked, “What are my choices?”

And she said, “Yes or no.”

A man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.

Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, “Will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city.”

“Well, Mr. Mayor,” the man said in a firm voice, “I voted against you in the last election.”

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

“Kenneth.”

“And what is your question, Kenneth?”

“I have three questions:

First — whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second — why would you run for President after your husband was almost impeached?

And third — whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?”

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, “Okay where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

“Larry.”

“And what is your question?”

“I have five questions:

First — whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second — why would you run for President after your husband was almost impeached?

Third — whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth — why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And fifth — what happened to Kenneth?”

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,

“How can I best serve my country?”
Washington says, “Never tell a lie.”
Ouch! Says Hillary, I don’t know about that.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears…
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Jefferson says, “Listen to the people.”
Ohhh! I really don’t want to do that.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears…
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Lincoln says, “Go to the theater.”

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

There’s a show on C-SPAN about presidential libraries. Here’re what the draft plans for the George W. Bush Library now call for:

The Alberto Gonzales Room - Where you can’t remember any of the exhibits.

The Hurricane Katrina Room - It’s still under construction.

The Texas Air National Guard Room - Where you don’t have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room - Where they don’t let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room - Where they don’t let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room - Nobody has been able to find it.

The War in Iraq Room - After you complete your first tour, they can force you to go back for your second and third and fourth and fifth tours.

The K-Street Project Gift Shop - Where you can buy an election, or, if no one cares, steal one.

The Men’s Room - Where you could meet a Republican Senator (or two).

To be fair, the President has done some good things, and so the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn’t care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father’s.

1. Get that abortion you’ve always wanted.

2. Have coffee with your gay friends in a public place.

3. Cash a Social Security check.

4. See a doctor of your own choosing.

5. Spend quality time with your draft-age child/grandchild.

6. Visit Syria (or any foreign country, for that matter).

7. Get that gas mask you’ve been putting off buying.

8. Hoard gasoline.

9. Borrow books from library before they’re banned - constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Huckleberry Finn, etc.

10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix…do it now.

11. Jam in all the stem cell research you can.

12. Stay out late before the curfews start.

13. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his “accident”.

14. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.

15. Use the phrase “you can’t do that - this is America”.

16. Take a walk in Yosemite without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.

17. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.

18. Start your school day without being forced to pray.

19. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.

20. Learn French.

21. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.

22. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.

23. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.

24. Visit Alaska before “The Big Spill”.

25. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a state.

The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu…

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
‘Why such a price difference for the politicians?’
The cook replied,
“Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of shit, it takes all morning.”

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it’s conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500

Past Work Experience

• Ran for congress and lost.
• Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
• Bought an oil company, but couldn’t find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
• With father’s help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments in Previous Positions

• Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

• Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

• Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.

• Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father’s appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments As President

• Attacked and took over two countries.
• Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
• Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
• Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
• Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
• First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
• First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
• After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
• Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
• In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
• Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
• Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
• Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
• Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
• Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
• Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
• Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
• Cut health care benefits for war veterans.
• Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
• Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
• My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
• Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the ‘poorest’ multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
• First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
• Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
• First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
• Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
• Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
• First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
• Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
• Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
• Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
• Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
• First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
• All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
• My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
• Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
• First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
• First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
• First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
• Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
• With a policy of ‘disengagement’ created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
• Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
• First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
• Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
• Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden ‘dead or alive.’
• Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
• In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
• Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
• In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
• Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

Records and References

• At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
• AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
• Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father’s library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
• For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)