Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are.
The first one says, “Oh, three fingers.”
The second says, “Gotcha beat, my whole fist!”
The third one just laughed and slid down the bar stool.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn’t say a word…
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with mens balls’
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
‘If you don’t let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No ‘ . I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’
Then I said,
‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’ ‘No,’ he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:
‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing s hard!
Now, didn’t that feel good?
Gander NFLD (CP) Canada’s worst air disaster occurred earlier today
when a Cessna 152, a small 2-seater plane, crashed into a cemetary
early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far,
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. ‘That was my pager,’ she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm. A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, ‘that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.’ The older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said………well, will you look at that….I’m getting a fax!!
Q: Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
A: Tiger has a better driver.
When shops have a sign on the door ‘Guide dogs only’ who is supposed to read it? The dog?
My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend: “You won’t believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.”
His friend replies: “That’s great! Did you get a blowjob?”
“No, I never found the head.”
“Scientists have discovered that all women will , at some point, contain intelligent DNA.
Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out.”
One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.
He had saw this hooker and he asked “How much for a hand job?”
The hooker replied “100 Bucks”
The man said “100 Bucks, That’s a lot of got damn money”
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said “See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs.”
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.
The next day he sees her and asks “How much for a head job?”
She said “200 dollars”
“200 dollars that’s a lot of money”
She pulled him to the side and said “You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs.”
So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life
On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says “The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package.”
“1000 dollars’
“1000 dollars that’s a lot of god damn money”
So she pulled him to side and said “You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy.”
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says,
‘Do you know me?’
To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’
Several men are in the locker room of a country club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Naturally, everyone else in the room listens in.
Man: Hello.
Woman: Honey it’s me. I’m at the mall now and I found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $4,000. Is it all right if I buy it?
Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
Woman: Great! And one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.
Man: Go ahead offer them $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000. It’s clearly a pretty good price.
Woman: OK. I’ll see you later. I love you so much.
Man: Bye. I love you too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He smiles, and asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. “Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,” he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.She tells this to her mother, who replies, “Did he say anything about that dead branch they’re hanging on?”
This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a sign that says “put your dick in here, and we’ll do what your wife does for you”. So the guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it.
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..”
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:”God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”
He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
This exchange was overheard between the separated sections
of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: “I got 12
inches over here you would love to have.”
The female response was: “Well, spit it out it isn’t yours.”
The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his
wife during a recent love-making session, “How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm ?”
She looked him rite in the eye and said, “You’re never home !”
