Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’

A nice, calm and respectable Lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some Cyanide.

The Pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need Cyanide?

The Lady replied, “I need it to Poison My Husband.

The Pharmacist’s exclaimed, “Lord Have Mercy! I Can’t Give You Cyanide To Kill Your Husband - That’s Against The Law! - I’ll Lose My License! - They’ll Throw Both Of Us In Jail! - All Kinds Of Bad Things Will Happen - Absolutely Not! - You Can Not Have Any Cyanide!

The Lady reached into Her purse and pulled out a picture of Her Husband in bed with the Pharmacist’s Wife. The Pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

“Well now, that’s different. You Didn’t Tell Me You Had A Prescription.”

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ’stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: “MOUNT & DO”.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieveyour pain if you’d allow me, she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken.

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “Why there are three doctors there already!”

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up?

He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup, the clerk explains. So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.

Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot, the owner shouts angrily.

Sure it will, the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.

It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the court in the
small town, and if found guilty, the defendant would spend the rest of his
life behind bars.

The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though there was no
direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was quote compelling.

The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the minds of the
jurors. His only hope was to attack the testimony of the medical examiner.

Lawyer: “And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you check his pulse”?

Doctor: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you perform CPR?”

Doctor: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you do anything to determine if the victim was still alive
prior to declaring him dead?”

Doctor: “No.”

Lawyer: “Then, Doctor, isn’t it possible that prior to declaring the
victim dead that, in fact, he may have been alive and that it was your
negligence that caused the death?”

Doctor: “Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he
could have been out practicing law.”

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…”
Since he hasn’t the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

“We’ll see.”
First I have to check my malpractice insurance.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I need the money, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“I really can’t recommend seeing a chiropractor.”
I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
Since he hasn’t the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this a lot.)

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is he’s going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a 40% interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.

“How are we today?”
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit through their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?”
I can’t remember your name, nor why you are here.

“This should fix you up.”
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

“Why don’t you slip out of your things.”
I don’t enjoy this any more than you do, but I’ve got to warm my fingers up somehow.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go. “Why, we just hired her?”

“Well, I think she is dyslexic and is getting things backwards. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour.”

The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room. “Where are you going in such a hurry?” the doctor asked. “To see Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill’s Boil!”

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:

“Hello, could you give me condom. My girlfriend has invited me
for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!”

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man
is going out, he returns and asks him:

“Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very
cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when
she sees me and I think she expects something from me too.”

The pharmacist gives him a second condom;

And as the boy is leaving he turns back and says:
“After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s
mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions…
and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: “Dear Lord, bless this dinner… thank you for all you give us!!!”

A minute later the boy is still praying: “Thank you Lord for your kindness…”

Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear:

“I didn’t know you were so religious!!!”

The boy replies :”I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ‘Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.’

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.

After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, ‘I think she choked.’

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Patty is visiting her father Ralph at the nursing home.

‘I’ve been sleeping really well these past few weeks,’ Ralph says.

‘Why?’ Patty asks. ‘Have the nurses been giving you something to help you sleep?’

‘Yes,’ Ralph says. ‘Every night I’m given an glass of warm milk and viagra.’

‘Why are they giving you viagra?’ she asks.

‘I don’t know,’ Ralph says.

Patty finds a nurse down the hall and asks to know more about their sleeping aids.

‘The warm milk helps him sleep,’ the nurse says.

‘But why the viagra?’ Patty asks.

‘Oh,’ the nurse says. ‘That just keeps him from rolling out of bed.’

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their porch.

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, “What was your most difficult case?”

The other replied, “I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.”

“What was the result?” the first doctor asked.

The second doctore replied, “It was an eight year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him and then that stupid letter arrived!”

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.
Well pull yourself together then.

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.
One at a time please.

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You’re too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I�m invisible.
Who said that?

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor, I can’t get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor I�ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I’ll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a nit.
Will you get out of my hair!

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I’m a bee.
Buzz off can’t you see I’m busy?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a frog.
What’s wrong with that?
I think I’m going to croak.

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a butterfly.
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!

Doctor, Doctor I’ve broke my arm in two places.
Well don’t go back there again then!

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I’m a caterpillar.
Don’t worry you’ll soon change!

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a moth.
Get out of the way, your in my light!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a spider.
What a web of lies!

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a snail.
Don’t worry we’ll soon have you out of your shell!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a snake about to shed it’s skin.
Why don’t you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don’t have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”