Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, ‘Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means ‘Without Information Fighting Everytime’!’
Wife replies, ‘No, it means ‘With Idiot For Ever’!!!’

Importance of a period
Teacher: ‘Do you know the importance of a period?’
Kid: ‘Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.’

Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, ‘What is the difference between confident and confidential?’
Dad says, ‘You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential!’

Anger management?
Husband: ‘When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?’
Wife: ‘I clean the toilet.’
Husband: ‘How does that help?’
Wife: ‘I use your toothbrush.’

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, “Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself.”

A man walked into a supermarket and bought a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a frozen dinner. The woman at the checkout said, “You’re single, aren’t you?”

The man said, “Yeah, how did you guess?”

She said, “Because you’re ugly.”

What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The location of the dirtbag.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild In your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

“Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

One day, long long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago,  and it was just for that ONE day.

The End.

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here’s 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I’d like to leave you with one thought, but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I’d love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.

He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.

He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

If you were my dog, I’d shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.

You’ve got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don’t think you are a fool. But then what’s MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody’s fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can’t count that high.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I’d like to leave you with one thought…but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I’d love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I’ll never forget the first time we met - although I’ll keep trying.

I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn’t fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn’t.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

It’s impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

I would not allow this student to breed.

Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I’ll never forget the first time we met - although I’ll keep trying.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.

Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?

I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.

If you had another brain, it would be lonely.

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Somebody hollers “Hoe Down” and your girlfriend hits the floor.

If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey y’all watch this.”

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
- Groucho Marx

“His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it.”
- F. H. Bradley

“The stupid person’s idea of a clever person.”
- Elizabeth Bowen talking about Aldous Huxley

“Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.”
- Abbie Hoffman

“The only genius with an IQ of 60.”
- Gore Vidal talking about Andy Warhol

“A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind”
- Anon.

“Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today”
- Anon.

“Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing”
- Anon.

“Don’t let you mind wander - it’s far too small to be let out on its own”
- Anon.

“He always finds himself lost in thought - it’s an unfamiliar territory”
- Anon.

“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear” - but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words”
- Anon.

“I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works”
- Anon.

“I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others”
- Anon.

“He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe”
- Anon.

“He was happily married - but his wife wasn’t.”
- Victor Borge talking about Mozart

“Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?”
- Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

“I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me.”
- Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson

“I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.”
- Groucho Marx

“Actually, I never liked Dylan’s kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear.”
- Mick Ronson

“Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she’s at rest and so am I”
- John Dryden on his wife

“If pople don’t sit at Chaplin’s feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting.”
- Herman J. Mankiewicz

“He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting ‘Fox’s Book of Martyrs’ in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats.”
- Roger Gellert on John Cleese

“A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante

“The biggest no-talent I ever worked with.”
- Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly

“The stupid person’s idea of a clever person.”
- Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley

“It is only too easy to catch people’s attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before.”
- Charivari on Claude Monet

You’re so stupid, your mother told you to go buy a color television and you asked, “What color?”