A convicted drug dealer is in prison, and his father, an old farmer, comes to visit. His father explains that they are having problems.
“Son, the ground is frozen. It is too hard for me to dig myself at my age, but I can’t afford extra men or to hire machines- I don’t think we will be able to plant crops this year, which will mean we will go bankrupt and lose the farm.”

Later the prisoner goes back to his cell and writes a letter to his father- ” Dear Father, please be aware that a good friend of mine will be visiting soon. There is a large quantity of stuff he is collecting. It is hidden on the farm, he will know exactly what to do.”

Some weeks later the prioner’s father comes to visit. “Well, son, your friend never showed up, but before I even got your letter the police came round, searched the whole house and dug up all the land around, but they didn’t find anything.”

The prisoner smiles, ” Happy planting, dad.”

Bud the farmer goes to the doctors office in a small town.

Doctor: “Bud, what seems to be the problem?”

Bud: “Doc, my wife and I are having a problem”

Doctor: “What kind of a problem are you having?”

Bud: “Well Doc, when I am out in the field I think about my beautiful wife. It seems like I am really ready but by the time I get back to the house I’m not ready any more. It is really frustrating”

Doctor: “Well, maybe you should try and work something out where you meet in the middle”.

Bud: “OK Doc, I will see what we can work out”

In a month or so the doctor runs into Bud who is in a very good mood

Doctor: “So Bud, did you and your wife get things straightened out”

Bud: “Yeah, thanks Doc. I went and bought one of those four wheelers and when I start thinking about my wife I fire my shotgun, and my wife meets me out in the fields. It has been going great”

Doctor: “I’m glad to hear it”

In a couple more months the doctor happens to see Bud who seems very depressed

Doctor: “Bud, how is it going? You don’t look happy”

Bud: “Doc, it was going so good for a while. But, I haven’t seen my wife since deer season started”

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his
four year old son standing at the fence with wide-eyes, soaking in the
whole event.

The man thought to himself, “Great… he’s four years old and I’m
gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the
gun - I guess I’ll let him ask and then I’ll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
“Well son, do you have any questions?”

“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf
going when he hit that cow?”

The little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his
mother asked if he had done his chores. “Not yet” said the little
boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does
his chores.

He goes to feed the chickens and he kicks the chicken. He goes to feed
the cows and kicks the cow. He goes to feed the pigs and kicks the
pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in
my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick the chickens, so you don’t
get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon. I
also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk.”

His father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s
walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother and says “Are you going to tell
him, or should I?”

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on
in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt
anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium,
and turns him loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets
a little worried. So, they’re trying to replace me, thinks the old
rooster. I’ve got to do something about this. He walks up to the new
bird and says,

“So you’re the new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot
stuff, don’t you? Well I’m not ready for the chopping block yet. I’ll
bet I’m still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a
race around that hen house over there. We’ll run around it ten times
and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.”

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he
was more than a match for the old guy. “You’re on,” said the young
rooster.

“And since I know I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of
half a lap. I’ll still win easy,” said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with
all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the
hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old
rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old
guy’s lead has slipped a little but he’s still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each time
around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young
rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the
house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox
or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the
two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still
slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires,
and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ……..

“Damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.”

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.