There is a new drug on the market that cures Alzheimer’s disease.

The trouble is remembering to take it.

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact, since I’ve been standing here I must have farted at least 20 times.”

“No kidding…” says the doctor with a bit of an upturned nose. The doc says “I’ve got just the stuff.” and gives her some pills. “Here take these for 10 days, then return for a followup appointment.”

So she takes the pills and returns 10 later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. “What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much! They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!”

The doctor nodded, “Great, now that we’ve your sinuses cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!”

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued,
“And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,”I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”

He answered, “That’s okay.”

“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.”

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.

“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.

“How come so much? I only bought 5 items!”

The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”

The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”

The fourth said, “You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took 20 preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

“Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.

Henry says to his friend, “You know, Benny’s a walking economy”.

His friend asks, “How?”

Henry replies, “His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression”.

A pretty girl went to a department store’s fabric counter and said, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take 10 yards.” With anticipation, the clerk measured the cloth and packed it. The girl took the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and said, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

When Harry opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. His mother was not so pleased. She said to her mom “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how I used to drive you crazy with water guns?” Mom smiled and then replied, “Oh, I remember very well, that’s why I brought it for your son.”

Before she died, an elderly woman from the United States wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the federal office and asked for a passport.

“You must first take the loyalty oath,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.”

The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?”

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but… will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman… She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. “Your Honor,” she began calmly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?”

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?”

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.”

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had.”

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

“HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU,” the old man yells.

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?”

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST,

I CANNOT SEE, I CANNOT PEE

I CANNOT CHEW, I CANNOT SCREW

MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS,

NO SENSE OF SMELL, I LOOK LIKE HELL,

MY BODY’S DROOPING, GOT TROBLE POOPING.

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST,

THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was extremely nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked.

“No, I don’t,” she replied.

“Well, there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the proper size.” She didn’t crack a smile. “Oh well, I tried,” he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, She burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he asked, stunned.

“I was just envisioning how condoms are made!”

1. You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
2. Your back goes out more often than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You’re proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
13. You answer a question with, “Because I said so.”
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word “equity” means.
18. You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
25. You find yourself smiling at this list.

There is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, strips completely and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says “There is no justice in this world”.

The other lady says, “What do you mean?”

The first lady says, “Look at that”. When I was 10 Years old I was afraid of it. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild!

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Sally, a difficult independent 75 year old, liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. One day she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch-by-pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in our rich suburban neighborhood.

Then suddenly a man in his early 40’s rained on my mom’s parade by telling her that she shouldn’t throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere… when there are a lot of people starving in Africa, says the stranger.

Then my mother said in crazed anger and without hesitation, “Well, hell, I can’t throw that far!”

The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, later on a preacher when in her 60’s, and now, in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

“Easy, son,” she smiled. “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”