A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
‘Polish Remover’

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

An elderly couple sat in their porch rockers watching a beautiful sunset and reminiscing about the good old days. Suddenly, the wife turns to her husband and said “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and how you would just casually reach over and take my hand?”

The man looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her hand in his..

“Honey, do you remember how, after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and surprise me with a kiss on the cheek?”

The man slowly leaned over and gave her a soft kiss on her cheek.

Growing bolder, the wife said “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?”

The man rose from his rocker and headed into the house. Confused, the woman asked, “Where are you going?”

“To get my teeth,” he yelled.

A friend asked a gentleman how it was that he never married. Replied the gentleman, “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman … I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.”

“Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry,” said the friend.

“Yes, there was a girl … once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything … I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.”

“Well, why didn’t you marry her,” asked the friend.

“Because,” replied the gentleman, “she was looking for the perfect man.”

An old couple visited Jerusalem on vacation, however a few days into

there visit, the wife of the couple passed away. When the old husband

met with the undertaker, the undertaker stated:” you can have her

shipped to the US for a price of $5,000, or you can bury her here for only

$125.” The old man replied…”I guess I will ship her to the US”

Shocked by this, the Undertaker replied: “Why would you spend $5,000 to

ship your wife to the US when you can bury her here, on this sacred land,

for only $125?!”

The old husband replied, “a long time ago, a man passed away on

this land, and three days later, he rose again…..

I can’t take that chance!!”

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back…

“Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

A husband, the owner of a new car, was reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prized possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally agreed, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age.”

One guy says proudly to another guy, “My wife’s an angel”.

The other guy replies, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Interviewer: “To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”

Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”

Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”

Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, “Come on in.” Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, “Are you the people who broke my window?” The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. “Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Fantastic!” says the husband. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” says the genie, “it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?”

“I want a house in every country in the world,” says the wife.

“Consider it done,” the genie replies, turning back to the man. “And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either.”

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, “How old is your husband, anyway?”

“Thirty-five,” she replies.

“And he still believes in genies?”

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I was coming up to die.”

She laughed and replied, “I was coming down to kill you!”

After waiting for more than two hours for her date, the woman decided that she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and resigned herself to an evening of TV. Just then her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late and you’re still not ready!?”

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No, he said, the seat is empty.”

“This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it?”

Somberly, the man says, “Well… the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

A man was invited for dinner at a friend’s house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her “My Love”, “Darling”, “Sweetheart”, etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, “That’s really nice after all of these years you’ve been married to keep saying those little pet names.”

The host said, “Well, honestly, I’ve forgotten her name.”

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”

‘To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset - I shall be home before midnight.’

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

‘My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference: 18 goes into 54
a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.’

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said “I’ve got a better idea … let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not,” giggles the woman.

“Good,” he replies. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “See, he mated 50 times last year, once-a-week.”

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, “This bull mated 120 times last year.” The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, “That’s once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from
this one.”

The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.”

NOTE: The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after two months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will most likely be okay.