A young man was deciding on what to buy as a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday. After much consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister bought herself a pair of panties. During the wrapping, the clerk accidentally mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: “I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly dirty. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love, Jim.”

“P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not — don’t you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Man: Okay, I’d get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures
of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: No… she’s left-handed.

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few weeks together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nighty.

SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG - a man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?” she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There is three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds really, “Why don’t you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!”

A woman in a jewelers breaks wind bending over to look at a beautiful diamond ring. She looks round, embarrassed, and sees the salesman standing right behind her. Totally professional, he says “good day madam, how may I help you?” Hoping he maybe hadn’t heard her ‘accident’, she asks “sir, what’s the price of this lovely ring?” He answers, “madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!”

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman looked puzzled. “Why talk to me?” she asked.

“Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought for a moment, and then said, “So whys the groom wearing black?”

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “quick, bring me a beer before it starts.”
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, “quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start.”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, “quick, another beer, it’s gonna start any second.”
“That’s it!” She blows her top. “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”
The husband sighed. “Oh shit, it’s started”

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he give you the $800 he owes me?’

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’

The man walks up to him and says, ‘I didn’t know you were into earrings.’ ‘Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,’ he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my car.”

(I always wondered how this trend got started.)

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
‘Polish Remover’

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

An elderly couple sat in their porch rockers watching a beautiful sunset and reminiscing about the good old days. Suddenly, the wife turns to her husband and said “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and how you would just casually reach over and take my hand?”

The man looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her hand in his..

“Honey, do you remember how, after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and surprise me with a kiss on the cheek?”

The man slowly leaned over and gave her a soft kiss on her cheek.

Growing bolder, the wife said “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?”

The man rose from his rocker and headed into the house. Confused, the woman asked, “Where are you going?”

“To get my teeth,” he yelled.

A friend asked a gentleman how it was that he never married. Replied the gentleman, “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman … I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.”

“Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry,” said the friend.

“Yes, there was a girl … once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything … I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.”

“Well, why didn’t you marry her,” asked the friend.

“Because,” replied the gentleman, “she was looking for the perfect man.”

An old couple visited Jerusalem on vacation, however a few days into

there visit, the wife of the couple passed away. When the old husband

met with the undertaker, the undertaker stated:” you can have her

shipped to the US for a price of $5,000, or you can bury her here for only

$125.” The old man replied…”I guess I will ship her to the US”

Shocked by this, the Undertaker replied: “Why would you spend $5,000 to

ship your wife to the US when you can bury her here, on this sacred land,

for only $125?!”

The old husband replied, “a long time ago, a man passed away on

this land, and three days later, he rose again…..

I can’t take that chance!!”

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back…

“Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

A husband, the owner of a new car, was reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prized possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally agreed, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age.”

One guy says proudly to another guy, “My wife’s an angel”.

The other guy replies, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Interviewer: “To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”

Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”

Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”

Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”