A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I’m going to inspect your farm for your current water allocation.’

The farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field over yonder.”

The water representative said “Look here, old man, I have the full authority of the federal government with me! See this card? This little card means I am allowed to go wherever I want, whenever I want, on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered! Have I made myself perfectly clear? Do you understand? I need nothing but this card to go anywhere on your property.”

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. A few minutes later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence. And running close behind and gaining ground fast, was the farmer’s prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the water representative with every step. So the farmer ran to the fence and shouted out:

“Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don’t have a fucking clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She’s a fucking power-crazy bitch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead Of: Fuck off asswipe!

5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well fuck me backwards with a telephone pole

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with…
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a fuck.

7. Try Saying: I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my fucking problem, asshole.

8. Try Saying: That’s interesting.
Instead Of: What the fuck?

9. Try Saying: I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: Not a fucking chance in hell.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He’s got his head up his fucking ass

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Hey, fuckface.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs fucking holidays anyway

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!’ The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’ The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. ‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to beat him to death with the chair.’

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

*Dad:* People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

*Mom*: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

*Son*: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

*Maid*: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

Why is Christmas like a day in the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

An honest, hard-working taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue.

Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying that he had overlooked the first notice.

“Oh,” confided the tax collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We found that the second notices are more effective.”

For 30 years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at 10 a.m., Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.”

And the boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”

Rob and Tom apply for the same job. They take a written test. “You both got the same number of questions wrong,” the HR person tells them, “but Rob gets the job.”"If we both got the same number of questions wrong, how come he gets the job?” Tom asks indignantly.

“Well,” says the HR person, “one of his incorrect answers was better than yours.”

“How can that be?”

“For problem No. 46, Rob wrote ‘I don’t know.’ You wrote ‘Me neither.’”

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.  Nice children you have there.  Are they twins?”

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “‘Hell no they ain’t!  The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7.  Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter.  “I just couldn’t believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

An Indian moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The Indian says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home”.

Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea?”

“Of course,” the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. “How many sales did you make today?

The Indian says, “One”

The manager groans, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales/day. How much was the sale for?”

The Indian says, “$101,237.64 ”

The manager exclaims, “What? $101,237.64 ? What did you sell him?”

The Indian replied, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero.”

The manager says “You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!”

The Indian says, “No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I say since your weekend’s already screwed up you might as well go fishing.”

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. ‘Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.’
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. ‘Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.’
Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. ‘Let me tell you a story,’
Replied the buddy.
‘A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’
The man protested: ‘What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?’
The buddy responded: “‘No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed”

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked “How much for that faucet?”

Walt replied, “That’s pewter and it costs $300.”

“My goodness that sure is a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?” Mary replied, “No, but I will for the faucet.”

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, “Why the spoon?”

“Well, he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired an efficiency expert to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, he concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per waiter’s shift. They determined that if our personnel were better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 5 man-hours per shift.”

“Amazing,” I said. “I can see how that would really increase efficiency.” And as luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now,” he explained.

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Well, management doesn’t like us to talk about that,” he said in a lowered voice. “Not everyone is so observant, and I see how interested you are, so I’ll tell you. That expert I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our peckers, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 50 percent.”

“But,” I asked, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”And he replied, “It was an ID Ten T Error.”

“What’s an ID Ten T Error, in case I need to fix it again?”

He grinned. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error?”

“No,” I replied.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

I wrote: I D 1 0 T

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock

(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.

while his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking,

he shaved with his electric razor

(MADE IN HONG KONG).

he put on a dress shirt

(MADE IN SRI LANKA),

designer jeans

(MADE IN SINGAPORE)

and tennis shoes

(MADE IN KOREA)

after cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet

(MADE IN INDIA)

he sat down with his calculator

(MADE IN MEXICO)

to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch

(MADE IN TAIWAN)

to the radio

(MADE IN INDIA)

he got in his car

(MADE IN GERMANY)

filled it with GAS

(From Saudi Arabia)

and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

at the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer

(Made In Malaysia),

Joe decided to relax for a while.

he put on his sandals

(MADE IN BRAZIL)

poured himself a glass of wine

(MADE IN FRANCE)

and turned on his TV

(MADE IN INDONESIA),

and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in the USA .

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
“I’m another year older,” but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, “Happy birthday, dear.” All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn’t say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, “Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and have a nice gift for me.” There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, “Give me a slice of toast! I’m late! Where is my coat? I’m going to
miss the bus!” Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful “Happy birthday, boss.” She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, “Since
it’s your birthday, why don’t we have lunch together?” Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, “That’s a good idea.” So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, “Why don’t we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?” So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, “Why don’t
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini.” It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn’t have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, “If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable,” and she
left the room.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ”I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ”Good morning, madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to….”

”Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

”Really ?” the photographer asked. ”Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”

”That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

”Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”

”Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

”Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

”I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.

”Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

”Don’t I know!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ”This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”

”Oh my god!!”, Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

”And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
”She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith.
”Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”

”Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

”Yes,” the photographer said.

”And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.” Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

”You mean they actually chewed on your, eh……equipment ?”

”That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”

”Tripod??”, Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

”Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?….. Good Lord, she’s fainted!”