Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, “I think they’re deer tracks!”
The second blonde said, “I think they’re dog tracks!”
The third blonde said, “Well, I think they’re cow tracks!”
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So, she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So, he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, ‘I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons? ‘The blonde said, ‘NO! I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again. The milkman asked ‘Do you want it pasteurized?’ The blonde said, ‘No! Just up to my shoulders. I can splash it on my eyes.’
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, ‘I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.’
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, ‘This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?’
‘No,’ the cook said. ‘Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
‘Oh, OK!’ said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, ‘What are the beans for Blondie?
I LOVE THIS ONE……….
She replied, ‘I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said….
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a delivery vehicle.
The driver she cut off was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his vehicle and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!”
He gets a baseball bat out of his vehicle and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he’s getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she’s laughing.
The other driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his vehicle and gets an extra can of gasoline fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
“What’s so funny?” he asked the blonde.
She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!”
A teacher was giving her pupils a logic lesson. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in the river and begins yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?” A Blonde girl raised her hand and said, “To draw out all his savings?”
A Blonde went into her local hardware store and bought two instant barbecues — the ones with the pictures of succulent foods on the lid.
The next day, she returned one of these to the customer service desk at the store complaining that there was no food inside! The assistant patiently told her that these were just barbecue trays and that the food was not supplied with them.
“Oh dear” the woman said. “I’d better take the other one out of the freezer then.”
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?” Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again!”
Bob took the money.
A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her psychologist.
psychologist: “What is your dream about?”
Blonde: “I am being chased by a vampire…”
psychologist: “So, where are you in this dream?”
Blonde: “I am running in a hallway.”
psychologist: “Then what happens?”
Blonde: “Well, that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won’t budge!”
psychologist: “Does the door have any letters on it?”
Blonde: “Yes.”
psychologist: “And what do these letter spell?”
Blonde: “P.. U… L… L…”
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced, “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry we have three engines left.”
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry we have two engines left.“
An hour later the capain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left.“
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day.”
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”
The captain doesn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear.
She immediately gets up, says, “Thank you so much,” hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, “I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to LA.”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
A blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little idiot on your knee.”
A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
Finally, the man behind her says, “Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?”
She replies, “Fuck off! Can’t you see I’m winning?”
A blonde decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says,I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, Which title did you rent?
The blonde replied, It’s called Head Cleaner.
A man went into the office kitchen one morning and found a beautiful blond woman painting the walls. She was wearing a fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a bit strange, he asked her why she was wearing such nice clothes rather than overalls.
The blonde simply sighed and showed him the instructions on the tin, “For best results, put on two coats.”
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.
She has the Title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 Loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application. The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write ‘twice a week’ into the small space labeled ‘SEX’.
The official explains: “No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking ‘Male’ or ‘Female’.”
“Doesn’t matter,” the blonde answers.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: “Are you sure it’s mine?”
