A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich,

‘What’s yours?’

‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order , ‘That will be
$9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A
hamburger, fries and a coke.’

The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the
waitress.

‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,’ says the man.

‘Same,’ says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?’

‘Well,’ says the man, ’several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for
as
long as you live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,’ says the man.

The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’

If god didn’t want us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of food.

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works for the government.

A dog is truly a man’s best friend.

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice, herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately pulls a doggie biscuit out of his pocket and offers it to the dog.

A businessman watches this from across the street. “Excuse me, sir,” he calls to the blind man, “are you aware that your dog has just pissed all down the leg of your pants?”

“Yes,” replies the blind man. “A dreadful habit, which I’m trying to break him of.”

“Well, it’s none of my business,” says the onlooker, “but you’re not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!”

The blind fellow chuckles, and says, “I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his butt!”

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: “Ma’am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

A LITTLE girl asks her mum: “May I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mum replies: “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says: “Dad, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said: “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent. “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Belle?’

The little girl said: “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

Then a third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dog,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the game warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”

Q) Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A) Where you left it.

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?”

“No.”

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” the man says indignantly.

“That’s not my dog.”

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he’d hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: “Bob, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go.”

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: “Bob, you’re a veterinarian!”

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow, and black are sitting

in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they strike up a
conversation.

The black lab turns to the brown and says, “So why are you here?”

The brown lab replies, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything-the
sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black lab says, “So what is the vet going to do?”

“Lethal injection,” came the reply from the sad brown lab.

The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, “Why are you
here?”

The yellow lab says, ” I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up
flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside,
I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I
dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.”

“So what are they going to do to you?” the black lab inquired.

“Lethal injection,” the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he’s at
the vet’s office for.

I’m a humper,” the black lab says. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump
the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to
hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t
help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away.”

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, “So,
lethal injection for you too, huh?”

The black lab says, “No, no, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

An guy went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock.

“We have 99″ replied the shop owner

“Give us the lot” said the Irish man, paid for them and left.

He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by
came and asked him what had happened.

“I don’t know sur” he replied “but that’s the last time I try that budgie jumping”

Two dogs were sitting in a vet’s office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, “Whatcha doing here?”

The little dog responds, “I’m getting ‘fixed’. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It’s very embarrassing.”

The first dog says, “Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn’t resist it… I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!”

The second dog exclaimed, “Wow! So you’re here to be fixed too?” “Hell no, I’m getting de-clawed.”

A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won’t eat, doesn’t bark, heck it doesn’t even move at all.

So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.

The Vet then turns to the couple and says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead… That’ll be $225.00.”

“$225.00?,” screamed the outraged man. “You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?”

The Vet replied, “It’s only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan.”

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

“SPOT!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young man’s feet.

Relieved at the dog’s having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. “Spot!” she called out sharply. “I’ve got it made,” thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

“Spot!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he shits on you!”

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, “That’s not good.” and promised he wouldn’t say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, “Hey lady.” She paused and said, “Yes?” and the bird said, “You know.”

A fisherman is 75 years old and loves to spend his golden days fishing and playing golf. He was sitting on his boat the other day, when he heard a weak voice saying, “Please, pick me up.”

He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Please, pick me up.” He looked in the water and there, floating on the surface, was a tired-looking frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes sir, I’m talking to you. Please pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, scratched his head, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed him inside his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said angrily, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”

He opened his pocket, took a long look at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. “Well,” says the personnel director, “you’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.” Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. “Also,” says the director, “you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.” This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. “There’s one last requirement,” the director continues; “you must be bilingual.” With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, “Meow!”